Tools of the Weak

I decided to follow up my "Tools of the Lazy" post, which was a look at three great inventions, with this post, a look at three things that annoy me, drive me crazy, and are all around lame.


#1 - The Wal-Mart Social

What I call the Wal-Mart social is basically when people, for some reason or another, have decided that the aisle I need to walk down at Wal-Mart is the best place in the entire universe to hold a conversation with their 2nd cousin twice removed that they happened to bump in to.

It would not be bizarre if this happened every once in awhile, but it happens every time I go to Wal-Mart, on every aisle.

Need bread? Tough shit young man, this here is Loretta and I have not seen her in two weeks and we got some catching up to do.

This ketchup I'm blocking that any sane person would step aside and let you get to? Well, I got no room for stepping when there's gossip to be had.

Wal-Mart has officially replaced the church as the social gathering place of choice for most, it seems.


#2 - Monopoly



Seriously, who ever finished a game of Monopoly? That's all I have to say about it.


#3 - The Pissing Calvin



I can't believe I still see this GD thing.

What makes it even worse, for me, is that Calvin and Hobbes is my all time favorite comic strip. To see my beloved childhood friend wrapped up in some redneck power struggle of Ford vs. Chevy brings tears to my eyes.

Some other dude had the same idea as me and made this "Calvin pissing on Calvin Pissing on Things".



If you have a Calvin Pissing sticker on your vehicle, then piss on you.

The Tools of the Lazy

I'm lazy. I make no bones about it.

Lucky for me, the world has evolved to fit my needs.

Here are three examples of the things that have been given to the world by people better then me to help me live out my dream of becoming the least active person......ever.

Scenerio One - I hate having to get up and walk all the way (Note - 25 ft.) to the computer room, just to surf the web.

Solution Invented for Me - Wireless Internet.




Now I can sit on my couch and surf the web to my hearts desire. Gone are the days of getting up in the middle of football games to check my fantasy team. Gone are the days where arguments go on for hours before someone "googles it" to see who's right. What else was that guy in? Oh, let me imdb it for you right quick so it doesn't pester you the rest of the movie.

Scenerio Two - Blockbuster is a 15 minute drive. Wow, that sucks.

Solution Invented for Me - Netflix.



On my WIRELESS INTERNET I can now just go to a website and pick movies for them to mail to my house. Not to mention the selection is much better. This one has practical purposes outside of laziness as well. Netflix doesn't use gas. Now if someone would just invent a way to get the mail from the mailbox to my house I would be set. That's a long walk (note - it's not that long of a walk).

Scenerio Three - My need for sleep and my need to sit in front of the tv and watch EVERY SINGLE SHOW THAT COMES ON causes me to miss lots of quality television (note - most television is not quality).

Solution Invented for Me - Tivo





Tivo is perhaps the greatest invention ever (note - it's not even one of the 10 greatest inventions ever). Other people have tried to make their own version of tivo, such as Direct TV, but all pale in comparison. Heather and I even had to use ebay to get a direct tv version of Tivo since they don't sell it anymore because we refused to use an imitation. The amount of tv we can now view is awe inspiring (note - it is actually sad).

Other Tools of the Lazy - A remote control for our ceiling fan/light since even the simple act of standing up has become too hard (even if installing the GD thing was like running a marathon), rip cords that make our recliners recline since pulling the lever required too much arm work, and plastic cups and paper plates since running the dish washer requires pushing a button and is too good for the earth.


So, keep on not keeping on.

The Stupid Lotto Scratcher Experiment – Part II: Electric Boogaloo

Sorry for the delay. My adoring fans deserve better. Let's get to it!!

Well, the first thing I had to do to begin this journey was aquire the 100 tickets. What I had not counted on was how few stores carry the sacred "Blackjack Attack". It is also worth noting that I had Charlie with me because Heather was working and it's enough work to get a toddler out of a carseat once, much less 3,259,872,598,375,984,327,598,252 times. I thought I was going to be okay when the first store had them, but after the next couple didn't have them I knew I was in for a long day. I literally ended upgoing to no less than 12 stores, and at one point almost gave up, but in the interest of science I ground it out.


(It was kind of like running a marathon, just not as hard and not that good for you. Also I was alone. Really it's nothing like a marathon, I just like to say that something "was like running a marathon" whenever I sweat)

Finally I was done with the hard part. Now came the fun part of actually scratching the tickets. WRONG! You may think that scratching 100 lotto tix would be awesome. You would be wrong.

So far things learned from this experiment:

1. Getting a toddler out of a car seat more than 2-3 times in a 2 hour period is stains. Stains means bad for those that didn't know.
2. Scratching lotto tickets is fun only in moderation. Once it takes over an hour to do it, it also becomes stains.
3. That the number of states better than Texas is 49.


(My new USA, without Texas)

Now I know what everyone was just dying to know and that would be how I did on the scratchers moneywise.

Well lets just say that I also learned:

4. A -34% return is not a good investment and minus symbols are never good when money is involved (I am also working on the book version of this experiment called "How to Turn $100 Change into $66 Cash. Quick!").

It's almost embarassing how hard I had to work to lose that money, and that actually makes me happy because at least it's funny.

It's also worth pointing out that I thought I had $51 dollars worth of winners, but when I cashed them in the dude said I had $66. I meantion this only to point out that not only am I a sucker, but I am also bad at math.

True to my word I took the cash and put it in the bank, showing great control over my desire to "ride it out". It was kind of like I was Neo from the Matrix, but I took the blue pill instead and the credits rolled.


(Whoa!)

Kenny Rogers was no fool and I know when to run.


(I think the best part of the song is that the gambler takes the mans last drink of whiskey and a smoke, and in return tells him basically nothing).

The Stupid Lotto Scratcher Experiment – Part I

I decided to try a really stupid experiment and document it here for all to witness. Nothing should be learned from this and it should only be duplicated in stupidity.

First off, I was trying to decide what to do with my change. I had about $100 in silver coinage and the smart thing to do would be to put it in our savings account, but that wouldn’t be stupid. I needed something stupid. So I came up with the idea of buying 100 $1 lottery scratch-off tickets. Now that would be stupid.

(Not as stupid as this person though)

Then I decided to make an experiment out of it. I call it “The Stupid Lotto Scratcher Experiment”. Hopefully you gathered that from the title of the blog as well.

I have been known to buy a scratch-off here and there, and even went “all-in” with my father-in-law on large amounts before, but this time I was going to, wait for it…….do research on the lottery. Stupid, I know, but that’s the point.

First off I actually wasted the time to figure out the odds (of winning at least your money back), top prizes, and number of top prizes remaining for every $1 ticket in Georgia. Then I did some googling for tips from the pros (i.e. the poor).

First I removed the worst odds, even though they had the most top prizes left. Then I removed the ones with less than 3 top prizes left. I was left with the obvious (so, so obvious) choice of “Blackjack Attack”. Not only did it have the very best odds of all the $1 tickets, it also had the most top prizes left after my earlier removals (4 $6,000 winners remained).

(The Georgia Lottery. Where even the best odds are bad odds)

In my research on the web I learned it was better to buy from different stores than to buy from the same roll at one store. I have no idea if this is true or not (I would suspect not), but for the sake of the experiment I decided to go to 5 stores and buy 20 tickets at each store. Also this way lets me look like a semi-douche bag on 5 occasions instead of a giant douche bag once. More on this in part 2.

So, here are the rules I set forth for myself.

*Cash in change for $100 (it was actually $106.34. The $6.34 bought Charlie’s lunch).
*Visit 5 stores and buy 20 “Blackjack Attack” $1 scratchers at each.
*Scratch tickets.
*No matter the outcome, deposit the winnings in bank account.

(You can use me for any ol' thing.....wait...Lotto tickets?.....really, BoShanks?)

So with the $100 in hand I was off to the gas stations. Check back later for this journey and the meat of the experiment in Part II.

Root, Root, Root for the Bad Guy

In real life it is not cool to cheer for the bad guy, pretty much, ever. In sports it is acceptable to cheer for the bad guys if your team needs another team to lose and the team you need to lose is playing the Yankees. But, for the most part you are not going to cheer for evil.

(The Evil Empire)

In the land of make believe however, there are many times where you can cheer for the bad guy and be okay.

A prime example for me would be Wile E. Coyote. While Wile E. is clearly the bad guy, the road runner is just an asshole and it would really do me good to see, just once, Wile E. defeat him/her (who knows what sex the roadrunner is?).

(This just in....your acme shit.....it don't work)

I feel the same way about Tom as well. Jerry is a tool and Tom is just doing his job. I am definitely cheering for Team Tom here.

(Sleeping with the enemy)

I suppose the definitive “cheer for the bad guy” medium is hack and slash horror movies. Freddy, Jason, Michael Myers, etc. are clearly the “heroes” in their respective films. People don’t go to these movies to see which hot chick lives, they go to see said killers….well, kill.

("What's with kids today huh? Noooo respect...")

More recently Ben from the t.v. show Lost is a bad guy I like to cheer for. More of an anti-villian due to the ambiguity of his actions, he is still clearly not a “good guy” by definition, but just grey enough to win our hearts.

(I'd write something about the show, but it wouldn't make sense)

For Heather’s sake I will not even go into cheering for the bad guys in pro wrestling, but be warned…..it’s coming.

Comic Book Movies Much?

(Pow!)

In 1966 “Batman: The Movie” became the first feature length film to be based upon a comic book character. There was then a 12 year lull before the next comic book film, “Superman: The Movie” (why do they not put “The Movie” after movie titles anymore? People are still just as stupid).

12 years. That’s a long time. The length of time between comic book movies these days? Not so much. On the heels of “Iron Man (:The Movie)” we have “The Incredible Hulk (:The Movie)”, “Wanted (:The Movie”), “Hellboy 2 (:The Movie)”, and “The Dark Knight (:The Movie)”. And that’s just in June and July.

("I am Iron Man". Who would have thought they'd use that line in the movie?)

Most people would say that money, easy marketability, built in toy lines, and existing fan bases are some of the reasons comic books have become Hollywood’s new best thing ever. And they’d be mostly right.

But it’s also what we (and by we, I mean comic fans) have known all along. That the source material is good. Hollywood still screws it up a lot (I am not sure how Halle Berry recovered from Catwoman……oh wait, she didn’t), but they have hit a lot of home runs as well (Iron Man, most recently, was excellent).

(Oops!)

Even if you don’t think you like comic book movies, odds are you like a movie you didn’t even realize was based on a comic book.

I am happy to see them made as long as we get more Iron Man and less Batman and Robin (which I consider the worst movie ever made, comic book based or otherwise).

Arnold and The One Liners

Anybody who knows me knows that I consider Arnold a true gift to the world. As a respect to this gift I have decided to dedicate a blog to him.

Just to get it out of the way, if you don’t like his movies, you are wrong (I will give you “Batman and Robin”, though and his non-action movies have been forgotten by true Arnold fans, so I wouldn't even know what a "Junior" was).

Everybody knows “Terminator” and “T2”, but to me the true gem of the Arnold catalogue is “Predator”. It is what I consider the manliest film ever created. A: It has Arnold, which is required to even be considered, B: A dude dry shaves in this film, and if you are a man, then you have to respect that,


(Mac, dry shaving. Just seeing it makes me a man).

C: Carl Weathers, D: The one liners!

Ah, the one liners. Such an important part of any Arnold movie, even if it’s just the simple “I’ll Be Back” that was born in Terminator and went on to become his signature quote. They even made a movie for what seems the sole purpose was to create scenes that could end with an Arnold one liner. This movie is called The Running Man.

The best always seem to come just before or just after Arnold kills somebody.
*Kill a dude with chainsaw? He had to split.
*Stab a dude with a knife? Stick around.
*About to kill a dude with a drill? Screw you.
*Strangle a dude? What a pain in the neck.
*Throw a pipe (not just a small ¼” pipe, but a giant pipe) so hard that it not only goes straight through some dudes body, but also the furnace behind them, thus causing smoke to come out of the pipe? Let off some steam.

(Bennett, before "letting off some steam").

You get the point.

In closing I’d like to say, it is every man’s duty to own Predator, and every woman’s duty to be turned on by a man that owns Predator.