Friday, June 27, 2008

Tools of the Weak

I decided to follow up my "Tools of the Lazy" post, which was a look at three great inventions, with this post, a look at three things that annoy me, drive me crazy, and are all around lame.

#1 - The Wal-Mart Social

What I call the Wal-Mart social is basically when people, for some reason or another, have decided that the aisle I need to walk down at Wal-Mart is the best place in the entire universe to hold a conversation with their 2nd cousin twice removed that they happened to bump in to.

It would not be bizarre if this happened every once in awhile, but it happens every time I go to Wal-Mart, on every aisle.

Need bread? Tough shit young man, this here is Loretta and I have not seen her in two weeks and we got some catching up to do.

This ketchup I'm blocking that any sane person would step aside and let you get to? Well, I got no room for stepping when there's gossip to be had.

Wal-Mart has officially replaced the church as the social gathering place of choice for most, it seems.

#2 - Monopoly

Seriously, who ever finished a game of Monopoly? That's all I have to say about it.

#3 - The Pissing Calvin

I can't believe I still see this GD thing.

What makes it even worse, for me, is that Calvin and Hobbes is my all time favorite comic strip. To see my beloved childhood friend wrapped up in some redneck power struggle of Ford vs. Chevy brings tears to my eyes.

Some other dude had the same idea as me and made this "Calvin pissing on Calvin Pissing on Things".

If you have a Calvin Pissing sticker on your vehicle, then piss on you.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

The Tools of the Lazy

I'm lazy. I make no bones about it.

Lucky for me, the world has evolved to fit my needs.

Here are three examples of the things that have been given to the world by people better then me to help me live out my dream of becoming the least active person......ever.

Scenerio One - I hate having to get up and walk all the way (Note - 25 ft.) to the computer room, just to surf the web.

Solution Invented for Me - Wireless Internet.

Now I can sit on my couch and surf the web to my hearts desire. Gone are the days of getting up in the middle of football games to check my fantasy team. Gone are the days where arguments go on for hours before someone "googles it" to see who's right. What else was that guy in? Oh, let me imdb it for you right quick so it doesn't pester you the rest of the movie.

Scenerio Two - Blockbuster is a 15 minute drive. Wow, that sucks.

Solution Invented for Me - Netflix.

On my WIRELESS INTERNET I can now just go to a website and pick movies for them to mail to my house. Not to mention the selection is much better. This one has practical purposes outside of laziness as well. Netflix doesn't use gas. Now if someone would just invent a way to get the mail from the mailbox to my house I would be set. That's a long walk (note - it's not that long of a walk).

Scenerio Three - My need for sleep and my need to sit in front of the tv and watch EVERY SINGLE SHOW THAT COMES ON causes me to miss lots of quality television (note - most television is not quality).

Solution Invented for Me - Tivo

Tivo is perhaps the greatest invention ever (note - it's not even one of the 10 greatest inventions ever). Other people have tried to make their own version of tivo, such as Direct TV, but all pale in comparison. Heather and I even had to use ebay to get a direct tv version of Tivo since they don't sell it anymore because we refused to use an imitation. The amount of tv we can now view is awe inspiring (note - it is actually sad).

Other Tools of the Lazy - A remote control for our ceiling fan/light since even the simple act of standing up has become too hard (even if installing the GD thing was like running a marathon), rip cords that make our recliners recline since pulling the lever required too much arm work, and plastic cups and paper plates since running the dish washer requires pushing a button and is too good for the earth.

So, keep on not keeping on.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

The Stupid Lotto Scratcher Experiment – Part II: Electric Boogaloo

Sorry for the delay. My adoring fans deserve better. Let's get to it!!

Well, the first thing I had to do to begin this journey was aquire the 100 tickets. What I had not counted on was how few stores carry the sacred "Blackjack Attack". It is also worth noting that I had Charlie with me because Heather was working and it's enough work to get a toddler out of a carseat once, much less 3,259,872,598,375,984,327,598,252 times. I thought I was going to be okay when the first store had them, but after the next couple didn't have them I knew I was in for a long day. I literally ended upgoing to no less than 12 stores, and at one point almost gave up, but in the interest of science I ground it out.

(It was kind of like running a marathon, just not as hard and not that good for you. Also I was alone. Really it's nothing like a marathon, I just like to say that something "was like running a marathon" whenever I sweat)

Finally I was done with the hard part. Now came the fun part of actually scratching the tickets. WRONG! You may think that scratching 100 lotto tix would be awesome. You would be wrong.

So far things learned from this experiment:

1. Getting a toddler out of a car seat more than 2-3 times in a 2 hour period is stains. Stains means bad for those that didn't know.
2. Scratching lotto tickets is fun only in moderation. Once it takes over an hour to do it, it also becomes stains.
3. That the number of states better than Texas is 49.

(My new USA, without Texas)

Now I know what everyone was just dying to know and that would be how I did on the scratchers moneywise.

Well lets just say that I also learned:

4. A -34% return is not a good investment and minus symbols are never good when money is involved (I am also working on the book version of this experiment called "How to Turn $100 Change into $66 Cash. Quick!").

It's almost embarassing how hard I had to work to lose that money, and that actually makes me happy because at least it's funny.

It's also worth pointing out that I thought I had $51 dollars worth of winners, but when I cashed them in the dude said I had $66. I meantion this only to point out that not only am I a sucker, but I am also bad at math.

True to my word I took the cash and put it in the bank, showing great control over my desire to "ride it out". It was kind of like I was Neo from the Matrix, but I took the blue pill instead and the credits rolled.


Kenny Rogers was no fool and I know when to run.

(I think the best part of the song is that the gambler takes the mans last drink of whiskey and a smoke, and in return tells him basically nothing).