Saturday, November 29, 2008

That's Enough, Peter Frampton!

I travel for a living so I do a lot of scanning on my radio to find good music. Based on my research, I have chosen 10+ songs that need to be removed from all radio circulation. There are many more that need to be banned, but I picked ones that somehow stood the test of time instead of current flavors of the week.

Anywho, in no particular order:

1. “Do You Feel Like We Feel” by Peter Frampton

God, I wish he hadn't come alive. It's almost comical how bad this song is. From the voice thing to the repetitiveness (I'm not sure if that is a word and even if it is if that is how you spell it) almost every song is lame. LOL at people who like this guy.

2. “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins

If one more person tells me the "he saw a guy kill another guy" story about this song I may vomit. I thought was the end of stupid made up stories about things. That's not my issue with the song though. My issue is that it is terrible.

3. “Dream Weaver” by Gary Wright

This song is........weird. You ever listen to the lyrics? Maybe it's about tripping on peyote. Maybe it's about hanging with some aliens. Either way, the song is terrible. Gary Wright has a pretty cool look on that album cover though.

4. “Free Bird” by Lynyrd Skynyrd

I got a kick out of the fact that someone made Lego Lynyrd Skynyrd. Haha. My friend Wes is convinced this is the song DJs play when they have to make #2. He must be right, because there is no other reason to play this garbage.

5. “A Horse With No Name” by America

One of the most bizzare songs eve written. It pains me to hear this guy do his Neil Young impersonation. It also pains me because America is otherwise a pretty decent band. Sad.

6. “Electric Avenue” by Eddy Grant

WTF? It blows my mind how much I hear this song. It's so bad that it has some sort of power over the listener that will not allow you to change the station. Kind of like the smell of sour milk, but in music form. Maybe that is why it is so popular.

7. “Taking Care of Business” by BTO

By taking care of business they mean taking a my ears. This song may actually be my least favorite of all time. If ever I find a genie I may actually take one for the team and waste a wish on erasing this song from history.

8. “Come Together” by The Beatles

Ah, the mighty Beatles. Even they can create a terrible song every once in awhile. Somehow this one found it's way onto the radio. I know a lot of people like this song, but who are we kidding? It sucks. Aerosmith made it even worse, but the Beatles made it bad first, so they make the list. Take all versions of this song off the radio.

9. “Hot Blooded”, “Double Vision”, “Juke Box Hero”, and “Head Games” by Foreigner

How does a band so bad have so many radio singles? Puke.

10. “Magic Carpet Ride” by Steppenwolf

The line in this song about finding a louzy candle must be about Christmas shopping. Or The Legend of Zelda. Never would have guessed it's actually all he found when someone stole Aladdin's lamp from him. I can't think of a bad enough adjective for this song.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Me Vs. Edward

I know what you women are thinking. I have no chance against the mighty Edward Cullens. But wait.......I have compiled a list of ways I am better than him.

1. I don't wanna kill my wife - Some women will say "but the fact that he wants to kill her, but doesn't, just shows HOW MUCH he loves her. He is willing to hold back his natural blood lust to be with Bella". That's what women find romantic? Does your personal add say "Single female seeks serial killer willing to not serial kill me"? Go for it.

2. I'm not a pedaphile - I will catch flack for this one, but facts are facts. Edward may be 17 in appearance, but in age and mind he is 100+ (I'm too lazy to google his actual age). Bella is really 17. That's kind of a problem. I realize he can't be with people his own age, but he could at least hit on college chicks instead of high school chicks. How very Matthew McConaughey of him.

3. I don't have to spend hours on my hair to make it look "slept in" - Yeah, my hair does that shit without effort.

4. I don't hang out with an Edward Scissorhands wannabe and the douche bag from 90210 - Seriously, other than Alice (and admittadly Edward - who am I kidding, he's awesome) the rest of the Cullens were lame-o's.

5. The person who invented me was not inspired to do so by Linkin Park - At least I hope not. Stephenie Meyer may write a popular book series, but that don't buy her taste.

To be fair, there should be a list of ways Edward is better than me, but I'm checking out.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Tools of the Weak

I decided to follow up my "Tools of the Lazy" post, which was a look at three great inventions, with this post, a look at three things that annoy me, drive me crazy, and are all around lame.

#1 - The Wal-Mart Social

What I call the Wal-Mart social is basically when people, for some reason or another, have decided that the aisle I need to walk down at Wal-Mart is the best place in the entire universe to hold a conversation with their 2nd cousin twice removed that they happened to bump in to.

It would not be bizarre if this happened every once in awhile, but it happens every time I go to Wal-Mart, on every aisle.

Need bread? Tough shit young man, this here is Loretta and I have not seen her in two weeks and we got some catching up to do.

This ketchup I'm blocking that any sane person would step aside and let you get to? Well, I got no room for stepping when there's gossip to be had.

Wal-Mart has officially replaced the church as the social gathering place of choice for most, it seems.

#2 - Monopoly

Seriously, who ever finished a game of Monopoly? That's all I have to say about it.

#3 - The Pissing Calvin

I can't believe I still see this GD thing.

What makes it even worse, for me, is that Calvin and Hobbes is my all time favorite comic strip. To see my beloved childhood friend wrapped up in some redneck power struggle of Ford vs. Chevy brings tears to my eyes.

Some other dude had the same idea as me and made this "Calvin pissing on Calvin Pissing on Things".

If you have a Calvin Pissing sticker on your vehicle, then piss on you.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

The Tools of the Lazy

I'm lazy. I make no bones about it.

Lucky for me, the world has evolved to fit my needs.

Here are three examples of the things that have been given to the world by people better then me to help me live out my dream of becoming the least active person......ever.

Scenerio One - I hate having to get up and walk all the way (Note - 25 ft.) to the computer room, just to surf the web.

Solution Invented for Me - Wireless Internet.

Now I can sit on my couch and surf the web to my hearts desire. Gone are the days of getting up in the middle of football games to check my fantasy team. Gone are the days where arguments go on for hours before someone "googles it" to see who's right. What else was that guy in? Oh, let me imdb it for you right quick so it doesn't pester you the rest of the movie.

Scenerio Two - Blockbuster is a 15 minute drive. Wow, that sucks.

Solution Invented for Me - Netflix.

On my WIRELESS INTERNET I can now just go to a website and pick movies for them to mail to my house. Not to mention the selection is much better. This one has practical purposes outside of laziness as well. Netflix doesn't use gas. Now if someone would just invent a way to get the mail from the mailbox to my house I would be set. That's a long walk (note - it's not that long of a walk).

Scenerio Three - My need for sleep and my need to sit in front of the tv and watch EVERY SINGLE SHOW THAT COMES ON causes me to miss lots of quality television (note - most television is not quality).

Solution Invented for Me - Tivo

Tivo is perhaps the greatest invention ever (note - it's not even one of the 10 greatest inventions ever). Other people have tried to make their own version of tivo, such as Direct TV, but all pale in comparison. Heather and I even had to use ebay to get a direct tv version of Tivo since they don't sell it anymore because we refused to use an imitation. The amount of tv we can now view is awe inspiring (note - it is actually sad).

Other Tools of the Lazy - A remote control for our ceiling fan/light since even the simple act of standing up has become too hard (even if installing the GD thing was like running a marathon), rip cords that make our recliners recline since pulling the lever required too much arm work, and plastic cups and paper plates since running the dish washer requires pushing a button and is too good for the earth.

So, keep on not keeping on.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

The Stupid Lotto Scratcher Experiment – Part II: Electric Boogaloo

Sorry for the delay. My adoring fans deserve better. Let's get to it!!

Well, the first thing I had to do to begin this journey was aquire the 100 tickets. What I had not counted on was how few stores carry the sacred "Blackjack Attack". It is also worth noting that I had Charlie with me because Heather was working and it's enough work to get a toddler out of a carseat once, much less 3,259,872,598,375,984,327,598,252 times. I thought I was going to be okay when the first store had them, but after the next couple didn't have them I knew I was in for a long day. I literally ended upgoing to no less than 12 stores, and at one point almost gave up, but in the interest of science I ground it out.

(It was kind of like running a marathon, just not as hard and not that good for you. Also I was alone. Really it's nothing like a marathon, I just like to say that something "was like running a marathon" whenever I sweat)

Finally I was done with the hard part. Now came the fun part of actually scratching the tickets. WRONG! You may think that scratching 100 lotto tix would be awesome. You would be wrong.

So far things learned from this experiment:

1. Getting a toddler out of a car seat more than 2-3 times in a 2 hour period is stains. Stains means bad for those that didn't know.
2. Scratching lotto tickets is fun only in moderation. Once it takes over an hour to do it, it also becomes stains.
3. That the number of states better than Texas is 49.

(My new USA, without Texas)

Now I know what everyone was just dying to know and that would be how I did on the scratchers moneywise.

Well lets just say that I also learned:

4. A -34% return is not a good investment and minus symbols are never good when money is involved (I am also working on the book version of this experiment called "How to Turn $100 Change into $66 Cash. Quick!").

It's almost embarassing how hard I had to work to lose that money, and that actually makes me happy because at least it's funny.

It's also worth pointing out that I thought I had $51 dollars worth of winners, but when I cashed them in the dude said I had $66. I meantion this only to point out that not only am I a sucker, but I am also bad at math.

True to my word I took the cash and put it in the bank, showing great control over my desire to "ride it out". It was kind of like I was Neo from the Matrix, but I took the blue pill instead and the credits rolled.


Kenny Rogers was no fool and I know when to run.

(I think the best part of the song is that the gambler takes the mans last drink of whiskey and a smoke, and in return tells him basically nothing).

Thursday, May 29, 2008

The Stupid Lotto Scratcher Experiment – Part I

I decided to try a really stupid experiment and document it here for all to witness. Nothing should be learned from this and it should only be duplicated in stupidity.

First off, I was trying to decide what to do with my change. I had about $100 in silver coinage and the smart thing to do would be to put it in our savings account, but that wouldn’t be stupid. I needed something stupid. So I came up with the idea of buying 100 $1 lottery scratch-off tickets. Now that would be stupid.

(Not as stupid as this person though)

Then I decided to make an experiment out of it. I call it “The Stupid Lotto Scratcher Experiment”. Hopefully you gathered that from the title of the blog as well.

I have been known to buy a scratch-off here and there, and even went “all-in” with my father-in-law on large amounts before, but this time I was going to, wait for it…….do research on the lottery. Stupid, I know, but that’s the point.

First off I actually wasted the time to figure out the odds (of winning at least your money back), top prizes, and number of top prizes remaining for every $1 ticket in Georgia. Then I did some googling for tips from the pros (i.e. the poor).

First I removed the worst odds, even though they had the most top prizes left. Then I removed the ones with less than 3 top prizes left. I was left with the obvious (so, so obvious) choice of “Blackjack Attack”. Not only did it have the very best odds of all the $1 tickets, it also had the most top prizes left after my earlier removals (4 $6,000 winners remained).

(The Georgia Lottery. Where even the best odds are bad odds)

In my research on the web I learned it was better to buy from different stores than to buy from the same roll at one store. I have no idea if this is true or not (I would suspect not), but for the sake of the experiment I decided to go to 5 stores and buy 20 tickets at each store. Also this way lets me look like a semi-douche bag on 5 occasions instead of a giant douche bag once. More on this in part 2.

So, here are the rules I set forth for myself.

*Cash in change for $100 (it was actually $106.34. The $6.34 bought Charlie’s lunch).
*Visit 5 stores and buy 20 “Blackjack Attack” $1 scratchers at each.
*Scratch tickets.
*No matter the outcome, deposit the winnings in bank account.

(You can use me for any ol' thing.....wait...Lotto tickets?.....really, BoShanks?)

So with the $100 in hand I was off to the gas stations. Check back later for this journey and the meat of the experiment in Part II.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Root, Root, Root for the Bad Guy

In real life it is not cool to cheer for the bad guy, pretty much, ever. In sports it is acceptable to cheer for the bad guys if your team needs another team to lose and the team you need to lose is playing the Yankees. But, for the most part you are not going to cheer for evil.

(The Evil Empire)

In the land of make believe however, there are many times where you can cheer for the bad guy and be okay.

A prime example for me would be Wile E. Coyote. While Wile E. is clearly the bad guy, the road runner is just an asshole and it would really do me good to see, just once, Wile E. defeat him/her (who knows what sex the roadrunner is?).
(This just in....your acme don't work)

I feel the same way about Tom as well. Jerry is a tool and Tom is just doing his job. I am definitely cheering for Team Tom here.
(Sleeping with the enemy)

I suppose the definitive “cheer for the bad guy” medium is hack and slash horror movies. Freddy, Jason, Michael Myers, etc. are clearly the “heroes” in their respective films. People don’t go to these movies to see which hot chick lives, they go to see said killers….well, kill.
("What's with kids today huh? Noooo respect...")

More recently Ben from the t.v. show Lost is a bad guy I like to cheer for. More of an anti-villian due to the ambiguity of his actions, he is still clearly not a “good guy” by definition, but just grey enough to win our hearts.

(I'd write something about the show, but it wouldn't make sense)

For Heather’s sake I will not even go into cheering for the bad guys in pro wrestling, but be warned…’s coming.